Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
