I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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