My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
