lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize