It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Randomize
