Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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