god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
you never un-have a 4some
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
