were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
