everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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