Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize