1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
