kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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