it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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