Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
