my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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