you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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