when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
