I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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