When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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