I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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