i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
