So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
