so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
