My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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