3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
