Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
