I think scott just propositioned me for sex
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
