I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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