i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
