I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize