All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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