Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
