I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
