No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
