just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
