I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'm at about main and main street
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Randomize
