You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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