Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Randomize
