Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
