I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
