Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
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