census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
