hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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