I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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