phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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