You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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