I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
