wanna go halves on a baby?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
