Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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