Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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