apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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