apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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