please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
