my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I faked an abortion last night.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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