is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
