I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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